Thursday, January 27, 2005

It's been a busy week. One work trip that took me all the way to East Texas. It was a good trip, a successful one, I'd say. And then, just deadline after deadline after I don't know what. All I know is I'm tired, and can only think of these tiny, insignificant things that have crossed my mind over the past few days:

1. Decorations. I know, here we go again. But I don't understand Valentine's Day decorations. Someone at my apartment complex has, hanging on her door, a heart-shaped wreath made of a white, iredescent, shiny garland type material with shiny little red hearts sticking out of it, all over it. I don't even remember this person having a Christmas wreath hanging from her door last year. Maybe Valentine's Day is her favorite "holiday".

2. Shoes. I have shoes sitting on my kitchen island, my kitchen table, my desk, all over the place. Places up high where Jack can't get to them. Because he's eating them. He pulled the soles (perhaps souls) out of my favorite pair of Clark's just yesterday. Chewed them up like a mad man. He is a mad man. And I'm sure my neighbors are wondering how grassy turds make their way from the lawn up to the second floor breezeways. Because he brings them up there. He eats them if I don't catch him in time. Turns out it's not just Lily's poop that he loves so much. He's just a poop man. And a mad man. But oh my lawd is he cute.

3. Sickness. It's all around me. My 15 year old cousin started it. Then Todd, then Todd's mom. It just seems as if everyone around me is breathing this awful, toxic air all over me. I will no doubt be sick in no time. Hello Lysol disinfectant spray. Oh, the obsessive hand-washing.

4. Football. Is it over yet?

I think my brain is dead. And I can't believe that spell checker doesn't know what a "turd" is.

posted at 9:44 PM

Monday, January 17, 2005

The Weekend, in brief.

It was a busy one, so I'll just give you a couple of hightlights. Because I know you're on the edge of your seat waiting.

On Friday we went to our priest's house for a night of games (Balderdash, specifically) and to witness a hook-up. My priest was trying to hook his younger priest friend up with this chick who grew up in a town near my hometown, who looked so familiar that I couldn't quit staring at her and thinking about it. She went to Yale and Oxford, and I was better than her when it came to making up fake definitions to words to deceive my opponents. But I did not win. Todd did. But that was good enough for me.

It was cold this weekend. Too damned cold.

I watched football this weekend. The Steelers game on Saturday was, I must say, a little entertaining in overtime. I wasn't just looking at the television during that part like I was in the previous four quarters. Sometimes, just looking at a television can be very relaxing. I don't even pretend to enjoy what's on, it just looks so naturally like I'm into it, I don't even have to try.

I got a hand-me-down armoire this weekend from my friend Vincent. It looks great in my apartment, and hides my TV. If that's not heaven, I don't know what is.

We saw "In Good Company." Most of the movie is in the previews, but it's still entertaining. Who am I kidding? The best part of the movie was when Damien Rice's "Cannonball" piped in out of nowhere. I bought the soundtrack a good week before I saw the movie, and there was no Damien Rice on it. The surprise was worth it. The dude sitting next to me probably thought I was having a seizure.

Other than all of that, I had some sort of stomach virus. When I wasn't running around doing errands and other important stuff, I was lying down with a tummy-ache. Close to my potty.

posted at 10:50 AM

Thursday, January 13, 2005

I know very little about dogs' balls. I looked at what's left of Jack's, and I have no idea if what I'm seeing is normal.

posted at 3:51 PM

Must. Never. Drink. Again.

posted at 9:29 AM

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Jack's going under the knife.

I scheduled a carpet cleaning a couple of weeks ago, to get this piss smell out of my house. I hope I'm the only one who smells it... Anyway. It occurred to me last night that I should check into when I could schedule Jack's neutering, to see if I could book the two things at one time -- get Jack out of the house and out of the way for the carpet cleaning. I've got the carpet cleaning scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

Well the vet's office said they could do it tomorrow. Immediately, my heart sunk and I got nervous butterflies in my stomach. I wasn't prepared for this. I needed a couple more days of telling Jack how much I love him, preparing him for the trauma, allowing him a few last humps... But no, I've got to take him in at 8:00 am tomorrow. He is having his balls chopped off.

Todd suggested that we get someone else to take him in tomorrow, so that he blames them for and associates them with the cutting off of the balls.

I hope that he comes out okay. I'll light a candle.

posted at 1:06 PM

Monday, January 10, 2005

I love it when I go home from lunch to let Jack out and he's in the crate, waking up and trying to act like he's been awake the whole time. When he comes out of the crate, one side of his beard is all smooshed up, where he's been lying on it. I want to eat it because I love it so much.

I love it when you go see a movie and it just puts you in a good mood -- the overall movie, cast, music, everything is just perfect. Even the fact that you splurged on the popcorn, coke and chocolate. All of it. This was not the case, however, when I saw "White Noise" this weekend. It left me feeling void of happy feelings, and a little scared and uneasy on the inside. I don't like to be scared. I like to be happy. I like to laugh so loud and hard that I snort and cry a little.

posted at 1:46 PM

Thursday, January 06, 2005



(Please excuse the language. It wasn't written to share, but it was just too good not to.)



mary says: i know. i'm thinking about what else i need to eat. and my stomach is totally full

mary says: did ya take some midol?

mary says: oh, you don't like to take that stuff, eh?

lauri says: I never have

mary says: yea, it's probably best not to. i gobble it during mine. helps my stomach from feeling nine feet wide

mary says: so, it just feels eight feet wide.

lauri says: i see.

lauri says: do you have some here

mary says: umm lemme look

lauri says: i was standing in the bathroom, naked, this morning, looking at my belly profile. and i was like, "THAT IS DISGUSTING! What the FUCK is that????"

lauri says: i mean

lauri says: what is "bloating?"

lauri says: anyway, it made me understand why people cut themselves

lauri says: because i was about to take a scalpel to it

mary says: good lord

lauri says: you know i'm kidding

lauri says: i wanted to cut it off so that it wouldn't hang over my jeans

mary says: i've thought about taking scissors, sitting down and lopping it off

mary says: then rushing myself to ER and having htem sew me up

lauri says: getting your vaccuum....

mary says: sucking it all out

lauri says: taking the end off of it, using the tube, and sucking it out

lauri says: THEN calling the ER

mary says: i wonder if that would work.

mary says: that would rock

mary says: i like scars

lauri says: scars are AWESOME

mary says: it's fat rolls i have a problem with

lauri says: fat rolls suck big ass

lauri says: and, where did THEY come from?

mary says: i have some generic midol. it doesn't work for me. only the real stuff does

mary says: you're welcome to it.

lauri says: i mean, just yesterday, or last week or last month or something, I promise I didn't have that much fat.

lauri says: I need to turn my OCD around on myself, and start obsessing about everything I put in my mouth

mary says: of course now i'm worried that since you've never taken it, you'll be allergic to it

lauri says: no way

lauri says: i can take it

mary says: i swear. it's the OCD that drives us to want to eat

mary says: and then i obsess over my obsessions which really drives it

mary says: i gotta tinkle

posted at 3:52 PM

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Just a rant or two. No big deal.

Phone Books
I would like to start a movement. Not a bowel movement. A movement against printing and distributing huge, heavy, lots-o-page laden phone books which are unsolicited, never used, and wasteful. Why are they wasteful? Because no one uses them anymore. You can go online to or basically any other Web site and find information that is contained in those phone books. Have you heard of Google? Think of the paper and ink that would be saved if they quit printing so many!? I'm not saying that it needs to stop altogether -- some people don't have computer access and need them. But figure out who those people are and drop those 10-lb books in front of their doors, not mine!

I guess some people use them as booster seats at the kitchen table for their children. Or maybe little old ladies sit on them to see over the steering wheels of their cars. If that's the case, I need to start a sub-movement encouraging little old ladies to use them for this purpose. I'd hate to leave anyone's needs or thoughts out of my movement.

Parade Floats
First, why the hell are they called floats? Because they appear to "float" down the street? My earliest memory of a parade float was my sister's 11th grade class putting one together in our driveway and the seniors driving by and egging it. (Holly, correct me if I'm wrong on that one. You guys could have been the seniors. Sometimes I forget details.)

Anyway, this morning I'm sitting in my boss' office, we're recapping our holidays for each other, catching up. He went to California for the Rose Bowl (I think that's right. We all know how much I love football.) He's a UT grad. A Longhorn. Anyway, the story abruptly stopped at football (he also knows how I love it) and moved on to he and his wife witnessing the creation of the floats for the parade, then buying tickets to see the parade. Now, I haven't gotten into a parade like that on TV since I was a kid. But I got into it today...

He said that they were using "the most outlandish things to create all the various colors of the float..." I was like, "What are you talking about, outlandish?" He said, "Well, for instance, they were using thousands of pinto beans to create a brown area, and had brought in some cauliflower..." I cut him off right there. PINTO BEANS? CAULIFLOWER? I was AMAZED that this was happening. I mean, I understand that my car guzzles gas, but wasting FOOD? Pinto beans and cauliflower and whatever else he was going to say, on a GODDAMNED FLOAT? Have they not been watching the news? Have they not heard of the tsunami disaster? Are they not aware that people in the world are dying, literally dying for some pinto beans and cauliflower?????

My God, this makes me angry. SO angry.

Soap Operas
One day while I was home from work, I was watching a soap opera that my mom used to watch when I was a little girl, "Days of Our Lives". These two chicks were discussing one of the girls' boyfriend and how strange he's been acting lately. One girl said, "Do you think he's been brainwashed? I mean, it's happened before." That shit cracked me up. But it's why I hate soap operas.

posted at 2:22 PM

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Just some stuff.

- I get to see my niece, Emma, this evening. She'll be spending the night with me. Of course I'll get to see her father, my brother, as well.
- Usually when I come back to work after a 2+ week vacation, there is so much work to do that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light is so bright that it's blinding. And that worries me.
- Todd and I met six months ago. And we've been together ever since. I love him.
- I've got to get those thank you cards out. You know, I never notice whether or not someone sends me a thank you note. When I do get one, I think, "How nice." But if I don't get one, I never notice.
- I think that my apartment smells like dog piss.
- I can't wait to hear Will's stories about his trip to Ireland. I am praying for his safe arrival tonight.
- Why the hell did I bring donuts into the office this morning? Coincidentally, the donut place is right next to the dry cleaner, and I had quite a load to drop off this morning. (Ha!) Anyway, the donut place smells good. And it's hard to walk away without a box full of assorted fried goodness.
- I'm thinking of getting Tivo, but I'm not sure why I need it. I need more information. Something is missing from the puzzle. But I know I need it. I just know it.
- I am blaming the fact that I haven't gotten back into my work out regimen on the chick at the YMCA who still hasn't faxed me the January exercise program schedule.
- New Year's resolutions suck.
- I've been dreaming of buying a house. Last night, I dreamed I got one for $5,700. And it was huge. And my friend Ryan sold it to me.
- I don't understand TV broadcast schedules. When do the re-runs start? When does the "new" season start? It used to seem like this was all a pretty strict schedule. But now, they seem to start and stop shows willy nilly. I made time for Everwood last night, and even though I think it was a repeat, I'd never seen it before. That was good enough for me.
- "C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me, yeah!"
- I hope that one day I'll be thankful that I wrote all this stuff down. This online journaling...I'm sure it will prove to be useful and interesting one day. Even lists like this one.
- I need to get back to work.

posted at 8:34 AM

Monday, January 03, 2005

Dear Blog World of Animal Experts,

Why is my dog barking?

Initially, the barking was a good thing. He only did it when he needed to go potty outside. And that was working well for us. He even wakes me up to tell me it's time to go potty, rather than going all over the carpet. We're moving in the right direction.

Today, my first day back at work in over two weeks, I go home to let him out at lunch. Just like we always used to. I can hear him barking from the stairway which is a LONG way from the apartment door. A LONG way. He's yelping and barking and yelling and crying. I swear I thought someone was inside the apartment. Thank God I watch "Law and Order" regularly, or I wouldn't have known how to kick the door open with my fake gun held up near my face. Anyway, no one was in there but Jack. Barking. At nothing.

When I let him out of the crate, he was almost HOARSE from barking so much. I fully anticipated him to sleep through the day, just like he's been wanting to all day while I've been home.

Is it separation anxiety? Is he freaking out because I'm not home with him?
Is it a phase? Do dogs go through barking phases?
How do I teach him not to bark in the crate while he's home, but keep barking to tell me when he needs to go potty?

I should not be allowed to own an animal. Things like barking freak me out a bit. Mostly, I'm concerned for my neighbor. I think she's a nurse who works nights. Jack's barking during the day won't work for her. I left her a note. I thought it was the nicest thing I could do. I should have mentioned to her also that I'm sorry for the fact that Lily visits her patio regularly and eats her plants.

Oh Lord.

posted at 4:48 PM

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Happy New Year 2005

I hope that everyone had a fun, safe New Year's Eve. I hope your recovery wasn't as bad as mine. When I drink, I am confined to my couch for hours the next day. Not that it wasn't worth it. Todd and I tentatively made plans everywhere to do several different things, but in the end, we just ended up on my apartment patio, drinking, talking and laughing. And taking pictures. We did make one trip away from the apartment to my cousin's house down the street (not a far drive at all), they were quite surprised to see us, and I'm sure they had a good time just watching and listening to these two young drunks, stumbling and mumbling their way through their home.

The next day, it took us about 30 extra minutes to leave to go get our "morning after" fast food because we couldn't find the car. Neither of us could remember where we parked when we got back home New Year's Eve. Not funny ha-ha, funny strange. Neither of us remembered being that drunk. Oh well. It happens.

We spent the day yesterday watching movies on the couch. We checked out "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset" and both of us...well we didn't like them at all. We were both so eager to see them, since we've heard great things about both movies. I think I just don't like Ethan Hawke. I think that's why I couldn't get into them. But I did not fall asleep. I stayed awake through both movies, even after eating a Whopper and large fries. This is a big deal. It really is.

Now it's time to go back to work and I'm not very happy about that.

posted at 6:58 AM