Today, I've been faced with a few too many things that make me gag. Literally, gag. Eyes watering, choking, that type of thing.
Jack's poop. For some reason, today it made me gag like madness. And it was outside, not inside.
The sponge in the company kitchen. Now, I have an issue with dirty sponges altogether. In my home, the brush is used to clean the dishes, and those brushes are cleaned every time I run the dishwasher. The sponge is used for wiping the counters. And it, too, is cleaned in the dishwasher and usually replaced every few months. Regardless of "where I got this" habit, it's the way it is. Well, a dirty sponge shared by 1.5 people can get nasty -- one shared by an entire company is revolting and repulsive. Ughhh. I just got the shivers.
Phlegm. If I cough up one more snotwad I think I will vomit my guts up. I'm not one of those people who can hurl a loogie from their chest to their throat to the pavement in a matter of seconds. I have to go into a full body dry heave and yack that shit up and into the toilet. It has to be the toilet, because there's a pretty good chance that I'm going to vomit soon thereafter.
And no, I'm not pregnant. These things are just making me vomicky today.
posted at 3:13 PM
My brother sent this to me. With an intro of, "Get a load of this."
CHICAGO - An appeals court said a man can press a claim for emotional distress after learning a former lover had used his sperm to have a baby. But he can't claim theft, the ruling said, because the sperm were hers to keep.
The ruling Wednesday by the Illinois Appellate Court sends Dr. Richard O. Phillips' distress case back to trial court. Phillips accuses Dr. Sharon Irons of a "calculated, profound personal betrayal" after their affair six years ago, saying she secretly kept semen after they had oral sex, then used it to get pregnant. He said he didn't find out about the child for nearly two years, when Irons filed a paternity lawsuit. DNA tests confirmed Phillips was the father, the court papers state. Phillips was ordered to pay about $800 a month in child support, said Irons' attorney, Enrico Mirabelli. Phillips sued Irons, claiming he has had trouble sleeping and eating and has been haunted by "feelings of being trapped in a nightmare," court papers state.
Irons responded that her alleged actions weren't "truly extreme and outrageous" and that Phillips' pain wasn't bad enough to merit a lawsuit. The circuit court agreed and dismissed Phillips' lawsuit in 2003. But the higher court ruled that, if Phillips' story is true, Irons "deceitfully engaged in sexual acts, which no reasonable person would expect could result in pregnancy, to use plaintiff's sperm in an unorthodox, unanticipated manner yielding extreme consequences." The judges backed the lower court decision to dismiss the fraud and theft claims, agreeing with Irons that she didn't steal the sperm.
"She asserts that when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift — an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee," the decision said. "There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request."
Phillips is representing himself in the case. He could not be reached for comment Thursday. "There's a 5-year-old child here," Mirabelli said. "Imagine how a child feels when your father says he feels emotionally damaged by your birth."
Uhhh...there was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request? Now, that's sexy.
posted at 9:50 PM
I have to get my engagement ring sized. I've been wearing it on my middle finger.
At lunch, I got my oil changed and purchased a handheld cordless carpet cleaner. Bissell. I get back to the office and tell the cube farm about it, and am told that I shouldn't have wasted my money on the carpet cleaner. I can smell dog pee. It could be all in my mind (Todd couldn't smell it the other night), so I'm hoping that by going through the exercise of doing some carpet cleaning, it will convince my mind that I don't smell the pee.
I've gotten to the point where fixing or styling my hair in the mornings is completely optional, and rarely exercised. My hair is wet and in a wanna-be pony tail every day. It's about as ugly as it gets.
Anything to distract from the pregnancy talk. I'm just not pregnant, no matter what everyone wants to believe. I can barely adequately care for my dog and cat. I'm not ready for children.
posted at 1:52 PM
You know how Christ was fully man and fully God? Well I dreamed last night that the Pope was fully man and fully woman, and that he/she went with me to pick up my wedding dress and ride rollercoasters. Also, I picked up a liquid measuring cup at the end of the rollercoaster and my wedding dress was pink and white.
They told me at the doctor's office that some of the meds might make me dream crazy and pee a lot.
I had a phone interview for a job in San Francisco last night. It went well. Really well, actually. I've always wanted to move to San Fran, but could the timing be more wheels off right now?
When I got off work yesterday, I was starving. So I rolled up some lunch meat and corn tortillas and threw them in the microwave. I ate a few of those. Then I went to the corn tortilla package to grab another one and noticed they had mold all over them. Great! My stomach started turning, and I thought I was going to vomit.
It's Wednesday, which means it's almost Saturday. I love the weekends.
posted at 9:21 AM
There's just so much to do.
I have a head full of snot, I swear it is endless.
I can't quit biting my nails, and I gave that habit up years ago.
I made the best pasta last night, from "remnants" in my cupboard and fridge -- artichokes, pine nuts, garlic, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes, wine, olive oil, crushed red pepper, fresh black pepper, a little vegetable stock. It was tasty. And I have more room in the kitchen now.
I need to sign Jack up for some formal training. I really shouldn't have giggled so much when he followed me into the bathroom and started peeing all over the floor. Poor baby couldn't hold it and looked so relieved.
Jack also ate two of my "staple" pairs of black shoes that I wear everywhere. So I bought two new pairs, to replace them. I wore one pair to church on Sunday. I came in, took them off but did not put them up, came back into the living room and they were ruined. I still love him very much, though.
I hope my nephew, B, gets better! He's sick. Poor little thing.
Have I ever mentioned that my mother, my sister, and I are all engaged right now? Isn't that crazy? As my sister says, it's been a 'banner year" for the Brian girls.
I decided to make this post right now so that I could distract myself even further from the work I need to be doing. I better get back to it.
posted at 2:00 PM
I took the fact that the newspaper man accidentally dropped my neighbor's newspaper at my door as a sign that I need to discipline my dog with something more than a "No, Jackie, that's a bad boy," in the sweet voice. He is scared of a rolled-up newspaper. And we've only "tapped" him with it a couple of times during potty-training.
Now he's biting at Lily. Playing with her, but he is still a biter. He had her ear in his mouth the other morning...and was snapping at her cheek. I didn't know cats had cheeks until he had hers in his mouth.
I hate yelling at him. I hate when I get upset with him. But it's time to start working with him a little more than my usual "That's okay Jack baby...that's okay" sweet voice talk.
posted at 10:36 AM
"I think I'm going to vomit."
That's what I said. When he asked me to marry him. That, and "Mary, stop crying. Please stop crying."
And this is how it all went down...
He planned an entire day of Valentines. Surprise after surprise. Of course, when I got to my car yesterday morning, there were gifts in my seat and the sweetest homemade Valentine you've ever seen, with the most beautiful words, a beautiful poem. And sitting there by myself, I cried, pulled myself together, and drove in to work.
I get to work and my boss had scheduled a meeting last week for yesterday afternoon. He stopped by to let me know that he'd be out of the office for the day, but that he'd still call in for our meeting. I explained to him that that wasn't necessary, that we could just meet tomorrow. "Oh no, it'll be a good excuse to step away from the conference, I think we really need to meet." "Okay," I thought. There were other meetings all afternoon, for which I was thankful, because I needed something to pass the time. I was completely distracted and not wanting to work, excited about Todd and I spending our first Valentine's Day together that evening. I knew he had surprise plans for dinner, but I wasn't sure where we were going.
Surprises...That's the funny part. Todd and I have a running joke that he can never surprise me. He's done some really sweet things for me throughout our relationship, but many of them I've figured out ahead of time. On Saturday I was cleaning out my car -- I brought everything in and dumped it on the island in the kitchen. Later that day, I picked up a receipt from the stack and noticed it was from World Market. I go to World Market for one thing -- my favorite wine (I usually leave with about $80 or so worth of other merchandise, but this is why I go to World Market.) I looked at the receipt and noticed there was one bottle of my favorite wine on it...and it was purchased last Saturday. I knew I hadn't purchased it, so I thought to myself, "He bought my favorite wine for Valentine's Day...and left the receipt on accident. ANOTHER surprise I know about!" The next day, we're sitting in church and I can't stand it. I lean over and ask him about it. And he says, "Yeah, I really can't surprise you. I'm such an idiot! Where did you find that receipt??"
So back to yesterday...while at work, I get e-mails or instant messages from friends asking, "Do you have anything to tell me?" "Any good Valentine's Day news??" People have been asking me for months about this engagement so I thought nothing of it. Little did I know, they already knew, and they were just waiting...
So I go to lunch with Vincent and Mary. We haven't gone to lunch in weeks, and while I already had plans to go home and put Todd's Valentine's Day gifts together at lunch, I thought, "I can just do it quickly when I get home after work," and we headed to California Pizza Kitchen.
I overeat. And we get back to the office and I start doing more non-work stuff like downloading music from iTunes. I'm sitting there, cross-legged in my chair with headphones on, right in the middle of downloading "Bennie and the Jets", when I get a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and Todd is standing in my cube, holding a beautiful bouquet of red roses. I think to myself, "How sweet...he hand delivered my Valentine's day flowers..." Then I see Mary, peeking behind him, face red and swollen, tears draining from her eyes like crazy, and I realize what is happening. Oh yeah, and she was holding a camera. Immediately I start covering my face with my flowers, I'm shaking, and I think I'm going to vomit. I remember this only because people in the cube farm reminded me minutes later of my lovely, romantic proclamation, "Oh my God, I think I'm going to vomit..." Nice.
Next thing I knew, there he was on one knee, and I'm still blabbering sentences that don't make sense, asking Mary to please stop crying, I'm shaking, it's all happening so fast, and he says, "Okay, I kind of have to ask you something here..." And he asks me. And I allow him no time to give the beautiful speech he prepared, I grab him up and hug him and tell him yes, and that I love him and that oh my God he finally surprised me, and then I remember...the ring. "Let me see it!" And it's beautiful. And it's perfect.
And he tells me all my meetings for the afternoon are fake, that we have an entire day and night ahead of us. And I'm worried because all those things I was supposed to be doing while I was downloading music will not get done and well fuck it, I'm engaged.
We go to the car (on the way out someone yells, "Glad you didn't vomit!"...nice) and he has the car packed with all kinds of stuff. We drive to Turtle Creek where we had the most wonderful picnic in the park. We couldn't have asked for better weather, and he bought the nicest little picnic basket and filled it with all kinds of yummy cheese, crackers, grapes, etc. I wouldn't know how yummy it actually was, as I was still a little nauseous. I spent half the time on the phone -- either people calling me or me calling people. The other time we spent there together, coming down from our high.
And it doesn't end there...as I'm mentioning to Todd that I'm having chest pains and heart palpitations, he says that it's a good time to go for our next surprise. Two one hour massages at the neatest little spa off McKinney. Not two for me, one for him, one for me. But we had some time to kill so we did some shopping and stopped by Mary's (we were in the neighborhood) so that we could talk about and re-live the moment from a few hours ago again and again and again.
I've never needed a massage so badly in my life. When we get there, we're waiting with an older African-American man who, poor thing, made eye contact with me, which meant that I needed to tell him that I was recently engaged and what a wonderful day it has been and oh how perfect this man beside me is. We go in for the massages, and well, you know how perfect that is.
We've got a little time to kill, so we go to Todd's parents' house. They haven't seen the ring yet, but they knew about the surprise. We had a glass of wine with them, hugs all around, and we were off to my final surprise. (After stopping off at my office, of course, to get Todd's Valentine which I abandoned in sheer excitement and joy.) We get to my apartment and there's a table set with beautiful linens and candles for a nice romantic dinner. Pork tenderloin, twice baked potatoes, green beans with almonds, and the surprise bottle of wine. While Todd was preparing the meal I tried to quickly put Todd's Valentine's Day present together -- lots of new panties (he needed them), framed pictures of Jack and I for his office, and tickets to a hockey game this weekend. I gave it to him, then threw my hands in the air and acknowledged what a sucky gift it was compared to his day-long romantic slice of heaven perfection.
It all worked out so perfectly. While he had help, there was plenty of room for slip-ups to happen. I could have said no to lunch (while I was at lunch he was setting up the table and getting dinner in the fridge). If I'd said no and they still tried to persuade me, I would have known something was up. Miraculously, I shaved my legs this morning. I would never get a massage with my legs not shaven...something just told me to do it. For the past couple of weeks, he's been running around, forced to tell lies about going to work out or taking his younger brother somewhere...and I never thought twice about any of it. He even went with me to a jeweler a couple of weeks ago to look at rings...and he'd already ordered mine. He played the part so well...all the while I'm telling my friends and family, "I know him. He can't hide things from me. He can't surprise me." And there at the Vision, he taps me on the shoulder, gets down on one knee in my cube, and surprises the hell out of me...all day long.
Later, when we were alone and breathing again, he told me what he wanted to say in his proposal. It's all a little personal, reminiscent of our meeting in Mexico, that kind of thing. But he quoted a very simple line from one of my favorite authors, Hermann Hesse, "I know what love is, it is because of you."
It is because of the grace of God that I am able to feel this kind of love. I wake up every morning and feel in my heart that I don't deserve a love like this, that I don't deserve a man like Todd. He loves me unconditionally, with all of his heart and all of his soul. And it's only God's grace that can make something like that possible. What's even more special is that he knows that, too.
I love you, Todd.
posted at 7:13 AM
Happy Valentine's Day.
This has been the best Valentine's Day ever. First, I couldn't find my car this morning. Sometimes I forget where I park. So I was terribly frustrated. But I got to the car and found in my front seat the best Valentine's day surprise from my mister. Always give your boyfriend your spare set of car and apartment keys.
Then when I got to work my friends Mary and Vincent gave me the sweetest Valentines, they are the sweetest people, it's such a joy to work with them. If you don't have good friends at work, you'll be miserable. That's my thought.
Last night Todd and I went to watch movies with our priest and his wife. Their 4 year old son gave me a valentine that he made. On it was the sweetest note:
"Hi Lauri, we have mangoes and bananas. I'm glad that you are Todd's shorty. Happy Valentine's Day."
It had the cutest picture of him on it.
Basically, I'm in love. I'm in love with life. I couldn't be happier.
I hope you have a very happy Valentine's Day, too.
posted at 9:41 AM
I just want to DIE because that Jack is the cutest thing ever. EVER. Besides Lily. And that's a different kind of cute altogether.
It's the weekend. Almost. I stayed home from work yesterday, sick. I don't know what I have. I'm achy like I have the flu, but no fever or anything else. My head is stopped up like a cold or bad allergies. I just keep treating the symptoms and hoping it will all go away so that I can enjoy the weekend.
posted at 12:16 PM
Paying taxes sucks. What happened to the good ole refund days? Now, I pay.
posted at 1:24 PM
Animals aren't accessories.
My friend Mary brought in one of those star-filled magazines, "In Touch" today. I must admit, I love to look at the pictures. (I'm not even sure if they have articles. I'm doing good if I take the time to read one of the captions.) I don't know if it's because I'm not feeling well, didn't get enough sleep, or what. But I'm pissed at all these actresses who carry around these little chiuawua puppies like they're bracelets or something. There are several pictures in this magazine of girls with little dogs that look like they're strapped to their wrists like a corsage. I'm sure they love their pets, at least I hope they do. But animals shouldn't be trendy. And God knows they don't need to wear jewelry. But that's just my opinion.
posted at 9:20 AM
Would someone look at the dark circles under my eyes in that pic?
I just took an Advil Cold & Sinus, two Echinacea + Goldenseal, two vitamin C tabs... If I start feeling worse, I'm going to hunt down and kill all of those who have been breathing on me lately. Because it CERTAINLY isn't because I haven't been washing my hands.
posted at 3:40 PM
I wonder, when you eat a chicken pot pie, if the chicken they use in there is the leftover or "crap" chicken. All I know is that I was craving a chicken pot pie today, and now I'm eating one, and I'm loving it. Except the dark pieces of chicken. Gross. But big yummy carrots and peas and even green beans... delish.
Today, as I was pulling into the parking lot at work I noticed that all the bare trees (naked, no leaves) had all this bird shit underneath them. I was happy that the birds are still sitting in the trees, hanging out. And not thinking, I pulled underneath one of the trees into a parking space. My car is covered in bird shit. Like I needed another excuse to get it washed.
Today is Shrove Tuesday. Fat Tuesday. Mardi Gras. Tomorrow, the season of Lent begins. Time to make a few more sacrifices than normal, live a better, healthier lifestyle, cleanse. A lot of people "give up" stuff for 40 days. I may deny myself some things, but my focus is more on being a healthier human. Turning that frown upside down. Or something. They seriously did give me some beads at Boston Market. They were all wearing masks and shit. What was that?
I think I'm getting sick. I've been feeling this for a couple of weeks now. I think it's coming on, though. With some power and stuff.
Today, I took an online test for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. When I was taking it, I was thinking to myself, "Dude, I'm not as bad as I thought." Oh no. I'm worse than I thought. I was off the charts.
Take it for yourself.
If you find yourself also saying, "Yeah...doesn't everyone?", then you too might be down with OCD.
posted at 1:55 PM
If you went to the Bob Schneider show last night, and bought one of the CD's they make at the end of each show, the live recording of the show you just saw, and you hear "Lauri Brian ROCKS!" right in the middle of the fifth track, that's because my boyfriend is a jokester and the most wonderful man in the world.
I'm feeling the pain this morning, and I was the designated driver.
It's been a good weekend. Friday night, Todd took mom to dinner to ask her that oh-so-important question, and picked my brother up and brought him back to Dallas to spend the weekend with us. (See what I mean? Most wonderful man in the world.)
I had lunch with my book club girls on Saturday. I really can't call them the "book club girls" anymore, given that we've decided to quit picking books and reading them, discussing them. We've done it for four years, and the last six months or so we just keep showing up for free therapy and girl talk. And that's good enough for me. It's not like I have time to read lately anyway.
Bob show last night, which was rockin', as usual. Today, Sam and I will go to church, eat lunch with Todd and his brother, and I will take him back home. It would be so great if he lived here and we could hang out every weekend. I wish my whole family would move here. Or, rather, while we're in wishland, I wish we could all up and move to some place near a beach, with 75 degree weather all year round. And I wish we had a big boat, and a winning lottery ticket in each of our pockets.
So today is the Super Bowl. Yeah...!? I don't know enough about football or the teams playing to put any money on the game, so Todd and I are betting on other peripheral things about the game and the party we're attending at his parents' house. This really is a holy day of obligation for me, a day when I get on my knees, face toward the north and chant big thank you's to GOD that football season is over. Good Lord it lasts all year long.
Happy weekend, everyone.
posted at 9:32 AM
As I was eating my cereal this morning, I couldn't help but notice the striking resemblance of some of the pieces in it to the food I put in my dog's bowl every day. I wonder if Kashi has a direct relationship to Nutro? They're both wholesome goodness.
When I get married, will all these people still call me "LB"? Because I've noticed lately that there are tons of people who call me LB. My co-workers, my priest, my boyfriend, some friends...I guess we'll see come August.
I spilled coke (Coca-Cola Classic) all over my keyboard. And sometimes, I get a random carriage return (do they still call it that?) or a down-scrolling that never ends. This is very frustrating to me.
I have determined that garlic, while very healthy, is a gas-causing agent in my body. Last night, I felt like my abdomen was ten times its normal size, and that if I were tossed into a pool of water I would float, float, float like a balloon. And I love garlic so much.
Today, I'm going to record a voice-over of sorts, something for a trade show. They're using my voice as "back up". I'll try to keep the cuss words to a minimum.
I was just thinking how wonderful the spring and summer months are. And how December through March is hell on earth.
I will be twenty-nine years old in one short month. TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD. Shit Marie.
posted at 10:02 AM