All I'm sayin' is...
...people are obsessed with poop. For some strange reason, I've received an extra amount of traffic lately from search engines, and rather than writing for you the hilarious search phrases here, I'm going to list the random (and frequently repeated) words that were used in those phrases below. You can mix and match. You'll hit all of them, sure enough.
posted at 11:01 PM
Obviously, I never watch it. Except "The Family Feud" from 12-1:00 each day when I come home to let Jack out. Sometimes, I'm lucky enough to be home early or to come home sick and catch the Ellen show. I love that woman.
But today, I was working from home. I had the TV on in the background, for a little background noise. And today, Oprah was on. I'm sure she's on every day, but today, she was on my TV. I paused to watch a couple of times throughout the episode for today, which was devoted to teachers. Apparently, Oprah just loves teachers. And she has this thing that I think she does every year, her "Favorite Things". So she had an audience full of teachers, and was giving each of them the most extraordinary gifts, her "favorite things" -- washers and dryers (we all know that Oprah don't wash no clothes! But that's okay...), flat screen HD TV's, Burberry coats, purses, outfits, other expensive stuff (these are the only items I saw, and there were TONS.)
Well, the point of all of this is that it made me cry. Oprah made me cry, damn it. And that pissed me off.
posted at 10:43 PM
Jack fell off the couch last night.
Todd and I were sitting there, just watching he and Lily play, as usual. Jack loves walking on the back of the couch (which is up against the wall) just like Lily. He learned it from her and is so proud to be able to sit up there with her. They play non-stop some evenings, and this was one of them. Lily slaps him in the face, he pretends to bite her, this goes on for hours. Well last night, he wasn't in a "good spot" when Lily slapped him. He lost his balance, and feel off the couch, hitting the window on the way down. Immediately, he started screaming. When we ran to pick him up, he was crying. We put him down to see where he was hurt and he picked up his back right leg and started to hop around, crying.
I was scared to death. I called the pet hospital, and we got him there as fast as we could, in the rain, of COURSE. And their rates go up at 11:00 pm. It was 10:50. Pet hospital is about 15 minutes away on dry streets. So I handed Todd the keys, grabbed the baby, and covered my eyes while Todd got us there safely at 10:59. Not that I would have minded paying the late night premium, I'm writing this to communicate my high stress levels to you.
So they looked at it. No obvious break, no bones protruding. Gave him a shot, and told us that if he was still limping today, to take him to our veterinarian for x-rays. Of course, he was limping this morning. So I took him in. Same thing, no obvious break, but this time the doctor explained to me that if it was a hairline fracture or a tendon or ligament issue, it would not show up on the x-ray. So I decided not to get the x-ray, to keep giving him the medication, and if it's not better on Friday, bring him back in. The vet concurred.
We got all his final puppy shots and his rabies shot. And he got a spa day with the groomer. He looks and smells beautiful, and is so sleepy that he can barely keep his eyes open. I can tell he's in pain, and it breaks my heart. I love this baby so much.
I'm not sure if I'm prepared to have children. This almost sent me directly to some place - underground or otherwise - to seek sedatives. My Lord, my heart and mind can't take an injury.
posted at 4:35 PM
I have yet to find the most efficient way of eating an orange so that your hands don't get sticky or you don't get orange juice all over your desk. This is one of the things I love about applesauce. It's a little apple puree that you can eat up with a spoon. Gotta have my Motts.
Rain sucks. I fully anticipate Jack to have a nice little crate dookie for me when I get home, as he's not pottying well in the rain. I even follow him around with an umbrella. It's just too much for him, I guess. My poor little ADD Westie.
What is the *perfect* wedding gift?
posted at 2:49 PM
Coats, More Turd Talk for Mama, Toilet Paper, and Toothpaste.
I know I say it every winter, but I hate driving in a coat. I bet more accidents occur in the winter, because of people driving in those big bulky coats. And what's worse is, I bet less people are strapping their seatbelts over those big coats.
There is a turd outside my apartment, in the area where the dogs are supposed to poop, that looks like a human turd. It's actually a group of turds. Big ones. Human-like. Todd was wondering if, perhaps, someone had to demonstrate to his dog how and where to "go", and was a little worried he'd have to do it for Jack. Of course, he said if he had to, he would. ;)
You know what I was thinking about this morning? Toothpaste and toilet paper. Don't you hate it when you get to the end of your toilet paper roll and realize that's IT? Like, there's none left in the package and you MUST make it a priority to get new toilet paper or you'll soon be without. And your hiney will be dirty. Well, this is not the case with toothpaste. You probably could never run OUT of toothpaste. You actually probably throw toothpaste out before it's completely gone. You likely buy a new tube prematurely. I mean, even if the tube is all withered up and squeezed into some shape unrecognizable...you could likely just cut into that bad boy and get a lot of toothpaste out of it still! That tube has more to give, it just takes some scissors and manipulation to get it out.
Toilet paper and coffee filters, though, are a different story. I've even considered USING toilet paper as a coffee filter when I didn't have any one morning. Then I realized, that was just asinine. And no way no how would I use a coffee filter for toilet paper. Bottom line, you should always have a back-up stash of both in the house.
posted at 9:18 AM
Oh no...say it isn't so. CNN has just released this news tidbit:
The jury foreman deliberating in the Scott Peterson double murder case has been dismissed.
The world is going to hell in a handbasket.
posted at 1:19 PM
Cashews, Poop, and Vomick
Todd's mother brought me "Toffee Toasted Cashews" from a trip she went on last weekend. I've eaten almost the entire bag. And I can't stop. And I wonder why I have a stomachache at night.
Speaking of stomachaches...Jack's pooping in the crate. When I got home last night, Todd was there, wet dog in hand. Both of them a little frustrated. Todd had given Jack a bath because he pooped in his crate, and subsequently, all over himself. That's how Todd found him when he got to my house. Isn't Todd wonderful?
I have a real problem with poop, kids. Poop smells, pooping in public places, my own poop, people leaving poop in a toilet, you name it. And dog poop. So I was so thankful Todd found it before I did. I would have vomicked. One time Jack pooped in the bathroom, and I walked in to clean it up and started gagging. A lot. Hacking and gagging...thankfully, again, Todd was there. Asleep on the couch. He came in and picked up the poop. I really was trying to help. I really was. I promise.
So this morning, I get up. Poop smell. In the crate. Again. Only this time, I have no idea how he didn't get it all over him. There were 5 or 6 good-sized turds in there, and not a spot of poop on his beautiful, clean, soft white coat. The whole time I was cleaning the turds (thank God they were firm) off the towel that was in the crate, I was counting. Counting and listing the states in alphabetical order, aloud, to keep myself from vomicking. I was a big girl, and I scooped the poop and took care of business. Much like Jack had just taken care of business. In the crate. Where he's not supposed to. Where normal dogs don't poop in "their surroundings". Whatever.
That reminds me of another funny poop story. Picture this: early morning, me wearing flannel pajama pants, a sweatshirt, a robe over that, synthetic wool-lined rain boots...walking around trying to pick up the poop that Jack has left in the yard over the past few days...mouth watering, gagging, gasping for air...all in a very public courtyard for all of my neighbors to see. It was pretty. My God if this doesn't prepare me for motherhood I don't know what will.
At work today, we each got a medical-like glove which contains two cough drops, a travel-size Kleenex package, and a face mask with a little note about hand washing, covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze, etc., all tied up with a cute little ribbon. Flu prevention. Immediately, I thought they'd canceled our health plan and were giving us this substitute as a preventative measure, but then I realized it was just divine intervention. A face mask. I will wear this while cleaning up the poop to prevent the vomicking.
(My sister, who is a firefighter and paramedic, says that most people who call 911 for some sort of nausea or vomiting episode call it VOMICK. That's awesome. I can't even use the word correctly anymore. Same thing with birfday.)
Back to my cashews...
posted at 11:08 AM
Right after 9/11, I signed up on cnn.com for their "Breaking News" email updates. I get them every now and then, and enjoy the little updates since I don't watch the news. I don't watch the news so that I don't willingly throw myself into a deep, dark depression and lock myself in my apartment for fear of being raped on the street or involved in a church bus accident.
Anyway, today I got an update. Some "Breaking News". Seems as if one of the jurors on the Scott Peterson case has been dismissed and replaced by an alternate.
WHY IS THIS BREAKING NEWS?
What is the world coming to!?!?? Now I'm all depressed. I must unsubscribe and cut myself off, from all news venues. Thank God for People magazine. This week, Prince William is on the cover. Yummy.
posted at 4:44 PM
My boss is in Vegas right now at a conference. He'll be there all week. This morning, the maid ran him out of his room to clean it, so he decided to head downstairs for some coffee. He told me that he asked himself, "What would Lauri do in this situation?", and he headed for the casino. He won $800 in a slot machine. I think, since he was adhering to the WWLD way of thinking, that I should get a cut.
This morning, on my way back from a doctor's appointment, I was listening to the radio station that plays mostly 70's, 80's and 90's rock music. Have you ever heard a song in your adult life that you listened to in your childhood, and suddenly you figure out some lyrics that you realize you've been singing incorrectly your entire life? You realize that the lyrics you thought were right are such a sign of innocence, back when your world was so small. This happened to me today while listening to Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City". Yeah, I owned that album. And this happens to me quite often, these lyrical revelations. I think, perhaps, that I didn't pay attention to detail as a child.
My weekend consisted of:
- eating good food (Bread Winners)
- eating bad food (Dickey's cold BBQ)
- watching hockey
- playing Tetris and Super Mario Brothers
- watching Todd play Contra
- talking about serious stuff (like marriage and having children)
- talking about stupid stuff (like Beano and chest hair patterns)
Overall, it was a nice weekend.
Now it's Monday. And tomorrow is Tuesday. Soon enough, it will be Friday again.
posted at 1:37 PM
Sometimes, when I am in need of perspective, I turn to my friend Scott. Scott's full of it. Perspective and other things. So this morning, while I was whining about the election, he gave me this perspective:
Get over it and let the healing begin.
I know you don't like Bush and I don't really like him either but you can't tell me you liked Kerry. If for no other reason I am glad Bush won for 2 reasons:
1. More TV time for the Bush twins, they are hotties
2. We won't have to look at Kerry's troll of a wife for 4 years. You'd think with all that money she could do something with herself.
I love Scott.
posted at 2:02 PM
I used to consider Election Day my Super Bowl. Since I can't align myself with either party anymore, especially in this election, I can't get really excited like men do watching the Super Bowl, pulling for one team. So I spend a lot of time thinking how cool it would be if the election had some crazy turnout, or took some crazy turn - like each candidate getting the same number of Electoral College votes, taking the race to the Senate and the House for the President and VP... things like that. This occupies a lot of my time...
So this morning I was thinking how cool it would be if this time, the left took the Electoral College votes, and the right won the popular vote. You know, by some act of God Ohio found a shitload of ballots, and gave some extra votes to Kerry to win. Kerry is elected president, and Bush gets the popular vote. What would the left be saying then, about the Electoral College? Would they be complaining about how the popular vote should determine the presidency? Like they were last time? That would be some funny shit.
God love ya, Ralph Nader.
posted at 10:33 AM
Okay, so I acknowledge that there are limitations to our system of letting the Electoral College determine who wins the presidential election. I understand the thinking behind that system, but feel it needs to be changed a bit. Some states have changed it on their own, others just won't follow suit.
BUT. He won the popular vote, too. I mean, he won the popular vote.
Didn't people see Jennifer Aniston on TV, encouraging you to get out and vote? Who can say no to cute little Jennifer Aniston?
posted at 9:33 AM
You can watch the polls here.
Even if you don't like Drudge it's a good aggregate of all the news site polls.
This is such an exciting day, and will be such a riveting evening. I cannot wait. I don't think I'll be able to work today.
My ballot breakdown:
After doing my research on each of the candidates on my ballot, this outcome surprised me a little bit. But, it is what it is.
I have eaten nearly an entire bag of Goldfish. The cracker kind, not the kind with fins that grow to the size of their tank and make great pets till you have to flush them down the toilet. Although, it wouldn't be a bad idea to flush this bag down the toilet before I completely empty it in one sitting. They're "Plus Calcium!"
posted at 9:31 AM