Self Destructive Behavior
Boobs and Nipples
I'm a strange girl. But you only live once. That seems to be my mantra lately. Selfish? Yes. But it feels good, for the most part.
Happy Halloween, everyone. People have on some crazy costumes at the office today. I didn't wear a costume, but I've been getting a lot of questions about what I AM wearing, as if my choice of shirt has something to do with this being Halloween. I've been informed by two people that my shirt is see-through, and that they can easily see the top of my jeans and my skin under my shirt. What the...? This is not the first time I've worn this shirt, and I've certainly never realized that it's SEE-THROUGH. I kind of like it. The shirt, not the attention.
Speaking of which... had a similar conversation last night about this. About men looking at women. The conversation started on the subject of jealousy, and how jealousy manifests itself in many different forms in a relationship -- both healthy and unhealthy ways. I have no idea how this moved to the topic of physical traits that attract men to women, and vice versa, but we landed on the topic of "headlights", if you know what I mean. There is no equivalent on a man... men may HAVE "headlights" but it's certainly very different.
For the first time in my life, I've started to actually notice men looking at my boobs. Men in the workplace, at a restaurant, in the convenience store... whatever. And I don't really find it insulting. I find it amusing. I think it's uncomfortable only when they're doing it and trying to make out like they're NOT doing it. I have friends (some of which are reading this blog right now and know who you are), who will make it very obvious by just letting me know that they're looking... "Is it cold in here, Lauri??" (And some other comments and boob stories that I must leave out because it could be incriminating to some of you... ) Anyway, I'd much rather you let me know that you're looking than try to hide it. They're just boobs. Sickos.
That was probably inappropriate. Who gives a shit. A girl can talk about nipples if she wants. NIPPLES NIPPLES NIPPLES! PANTIES!
Stay away from generic candy corn today, kids. Be safe.
posted at 10:39 AM
- I love "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega. Listening to it right now.
- There's a big ole strawberry cake in the breakroom for October birthdays.
- Last night, at dinner, the TVs in the bar were airing Sting's concert that I missed a few weeks ago. I love that man.
- Then the Dave Matthews Band concert from a few weeks ago came on. Does it get any better than that?
- Yes, I was there awhile.
- I like the line "Shake Your Tailfeather". Actually, I think it's "Shake Ya Tailfeather". I like "tailfeather". Strange.
- I find some people very intriguing. I'm drawn to people for strange reasons.
posted at 3:01 PM
Waiting for him... no thanks, I'm not feeling well, I think I'll just have a glass of water... Hmmm... Dos Equis does sound good, I think I'll have one... another?... sure, bring me another one... you know what, three really wouldn't hurt anything... Back at my place... you know what, I've got some wine... you think red or white? yeah, white sounds good... I think I'll have a glass with you...
This is how it happens.
Now make it go away.
You know, there's something to be said for brutal honesty. It may not be picture perfect. But it's true. You really can't ask for more than that. It is what it is.
Update: Welch's Grape Soda. That'll cure it.
posted at 8:04 AM
I am stuck on Band-Aid brand, cause Band-Aid's stuck on me.
Can't get that out of my head this morning. I'm not even wearing a Band-Aid.
posted at 9:55 AM
I have the heat on in my apartment. Cold weather is here, my friends. Scarf and hat weather. Not yet time for the coat... but the other winter stuff has been dragged out of the closet and ready-to-wear.
I have no idea what happened last week. Or why I didn't post anything. There was interesting stuff. I'm sure of it. Perhaps it's just a bunch of stuff that I don't know how to put into words very eloquently.
The weekend was nice. I took Friday off, which was good considering the fact that I had a little too much to drink on Thursday night. Another evening with a man that continues to surprise me -- in good and bad ways, I'd say. I tell you what -- if there is a "complicated" relationship out there to get into, I will find my way into it as if the steps and directions were planned and plotted out for me without my knowing it. Because surely, if I knew what was ahead, I'd nip it in the bud. But I never do...
Friday, my mom, sister, and nephew came into town. We went to the horse races, where I lost, lost some more, and then just lost it all. Here, just take ALL of my money. Please. I really don't need it... Still fun, though.
Saturday, a trip to the Pumpkin Patch so that B could ride the train. That evening, dinner out with the family, good conversation and company.
It was so much fun taking B to do all of this fun stuff that he loves -- seeing horses and tractors and trains and all kinds of good stuff. It must have been like a mini-vacation to him. Although he really doesn't know what a "vacation" is at the age of 3, or more specifically, the importance of one. He was happy and good and perfect all weekend, though, so you know he was having a great time. In his towboy hat, towboy jeans and boots, and little chaps. My little towboy. Little angel. :) I just want to eat him up.
Sunday, Six Flags Fright Night. I love rollercoasters.
Then it was back to work today. Reality.
posted at 7:13 PM
Today while at lunch with friends, I was belittled because I made a statement about "overconsumption" in our society. This particular conversation was about a friend wanting to buy a new Mercedes. I've had this same debate with others in the past about other items -- purses, eyeglasses, you name it. This one was different for some reason. It took me a while to figure out why this one felt different... Finally, a conclusion. People think I'm judgemental.
Where is the fine line between having an opinion or conviction about something and appearing to be judgemental, a know-it-all, or condescending? See, I just don't know. I always seem to give the wrong impression. People who REALLY know me know that I'm quite indifferent to what other people think or what they do with their lives or their money. I enjoy a spirited debate, especially if it's about something I really care about... but don't ask me how I feel about something unless you really want to know.
Maybe that's the key. Perhaps today, I wasn't really ASKED what I thought about a new Mercedes. I just gave my opinion... and then some. Yep. There's my answer. This journaling is really helpful.
I could be jealous, you know. If I won the lottery, I wonder how many Mercedes I would buy? :)
posted at 2:15 PM
There's nothing like something "not so real" making its way into your life that makes you so aware of what is or was so real and pure to you in the past. I miss it.
On a separate note, is there anything better than 0.84 lbs of shelled pistachios? Maybe 3 lbs of fresh, shelled, Alaskan king crab legs. Then again, sometimes working and waiting for it makes the prize a lot sweeter.
Have a great Sunday.
posted at 1:29 PM
The receptionist at my office goes wild with the decorations anytime a holiday rolls around... If the banks are closed, we're decorated and celebrating. There are ghosts and goblins and bats and pumpkins and spiders and snakes and tombstones and spider webs... EVERYWHERE. This is a little OFF, if you ask me.
It could be because my mom wasn't much of a holiday decorator when it came to "holidays" such as Halloween, July 4th, or Valentine's Day. As my siblings and I got older, the responsibility for decorating for holidays such as Christmas and... well, that's really the only one we decorated for...always fell on whomever was WILLING to do it.
I guess I should clarify here. I'm talking mostly about the outside decorations -- like Christmas lights on the house and trees. Holly, my older sister, took on this responsibility. I think it's because Mathew and I were too lazy.
The Christmas tree is a different story. Now don't get me wrong, we never sat around the the living room in our very cooridnated family Christmas outfits, sipping on egg nog, adorning the tree... but we did all get kind of excited when it was time to do so. Every year since our births, our grandparents have given each family member a Christmas ornament for the tree as one of our Christmas gifts. Each one has our name and the year it was given written on the bottom of it. Every year, looking through those ornaments as we hung them was like going back in time. For the past few years, the grandparents have quit buying ornaments for us, and my grandfather has started making them. They're beautiful. Mine don't go on a tree, though, they're hanging in my house from doorknobs year-round.
The sad part is, that now that my brother and sister have families of their own, and my mom doesn't live in the same house we were raised in anymore, we don't do the full-on Christmas tree anymore. She encourages us to make our own traditions now, which I think is a good idea. But I must say, I miss it a little bit. The ornaments are no longer in the big, old popcorn tins -- Holly's are at her house, mine are scattered, God only knows where Mathew's are.
There are things that I know I can always look forward to at Christmastime, though. Our handmade stockings, bloody mary mornings (I know, I know), and the smells.... mom's homemade rolls, Scotch tape, candles... I love it all.
This post has certainly taken a turn that I didn't expect. I just wanted to bitch about all of the Halloween decorations, now I'm ready to go home for the holidays! :)
posted at 9:36 AM
I've noticed more people wearing shoes with Velcro lately. No laces, just Velcro. For some reason, I really dislike Velcro.
Have you ever noticed that if you're staring at someone, and you get caught, if you're yawning, it doesn't seem that awkward?
I am a perfectionist, a control freak. This is really a problem with my work, because I expect everyone to be the same... and they're not. I feel like I spend a lot of time babysitting a bunch of adults. My issues with control really only have to do with my needing control over things in MY life, not over other people or their lives. But I want to control these people into having a stellar work ethic.
Sometimes you think you know someone... and man, you just really don't. Or you never did. That's such a disappointment to me. That's what new labels are for, though, when your jars are just not accurate anymore.
"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still."
-- Chinese Proverb
posted at 5:01 PM
I'm going to start posting some things here that aren't mine... people send me things, and if I get their attention to post, I will. If you want me to post something, send it to me. Perhaps the blog is taking a new turn. Remember, change is good.
it's strange how some days you wake up and remember things that happened so
long ago. usually happens to me after a alcohol-induced blackout, the next
day, opening my eyes and realizing i'm somewhere i don't remember passing
there's a window that mysteriously opens during those hazy episodes that
isn't usually noticeable during otherwise sober awakenings [sic]. like the
time i saw bill bixby in an elevator when i was 11 at the four seasons
hotel. i said "hey, you played dr. david banner on the incredible hulk", he
nodded approvingly as i shook his hand, while simultaeously i was thinking
"what does this guy do now? he's so washed up". i think he's dead now,
posted at 2:33 PM
Is there a right time to break a toe?
Yes! While on a date with a podiatrist!
Well, it's Sunday evening... that means the weekend is almost over and work begins again tomorrow morning. We spend so many hours of our lives working, it would be nice to do something that you really love, wouldn't it? When you've had a really good weekend, though, the Sunday evening blahs aren't so bad.
Friday night, a pedicure with a new friend and then happy hour with some old ones. Maili, the Master Coordinator of good times, threatened me with her friendship that I better come out and have a couple of drinks, and I'm glad I did. I don't get to see her much anymore, and it was nice to spend some time with her and her many funny stories. That girl is a storyteller. :)
Saturday morning, golf with Jonathan. Beautiful weather. Good times, as always. Bad golf, as anticipated. As frustrating as it is, I still love it. I told Aunt B today that I had some really good shots and some really bad ones... She said, "Isn't that the name of the game?" She's exactly right.
Note to self: Don't drink beer in the morning. It wipes you out and makes you a lazy ass.
Then there's Saturday night. The date. The date was really nice. He is really nice. Really smart. Really dry sense of humor, very witty. A good person, I think. A listener. Anyway... I liked it. Yes indeed...
Note to self: Watch the alcohol intake while on a first date. Nervousness + a few too many beers = Chatty Cathy.
Today -- lots of napping and family time. Lots of time spent recalling the evening, remembering tiny details and laughing, blushing with embarrassment.
"Some things are just better left unsaid." -- Johnny Brian, circa 1997.
Have a good week, everyone.
posted at 10:26 PM
It's a good thing.
Don't be scared of it.
Don't fight it.
This week has been a busy one for me. I'm doing a "tour of hospitals"... yeah! I've been to Dallas, Grapevine, headed to Garland and Ft. Worth today... more tomorrow. It's nice to get out of the office, however, I'm having a hard time getting any work done while I'm either driving or sitting in meetings all day long. And my feet hurt. Must find comfortable shoes this weekend. Is there a such thing as a comfortable dress shoe for women? I don't think so.
I think that Louie might be having Lasik surgery today... is it today? I need to call him and check. Either way, I'm very happy for him, this will make his life much easier -- with all that biking, swimming, and running that he does. I'm really going to miss the glasses, though. He's worn glasses the entire time I've known him, and... well... I like them. But. Change is good.
Try to stay dry today, it's raining.
What am I talking about?
Get out there and dance in it, if you're able. :)
Have a good one.
posted at 7:37 AM
There is probably a list of things that someone wearing medical scrubs should never say to a hypochondriac... I heard a few of those things today while at the lab getting some bloodwork done. One, specifically, was from the woman drawing my blood... as she plugs in the SIXTH vial, she says, "Well my God, don't run out of blood on me!!! I can't get any more blood! Come on, just one more vial and we'll get you out of here!!!" As if I had any control over it.
This story actually begins several moments before this plea from the vampire.
First, the directions that my doctor's office gave me to the lab weren't helpful, so I had to call the lab for directions. Shirley answers. She tells me that she is in the Carpentertree building, it's a professional building down the street from the hospital. So I drive on, see a "Copper Tree" building, and assume I'm in the right place.
I find the lab. There's Shirley. She was expecting me, because there wasn't another soul in the building. The office itself was very bare, no files or other crap on the desk. No magazines in the waiting room. Just chairs and a window. I half expected to walk up to the window and see a gorilla named Ishmael behind the glass, ready to teach me how to save the world... sometimes my imagination gets away from me. I digress...
So I give her my paperwork. As she's entering my information into the computer:
"You know, I just think that everybody lives in a HOUSE. Not an APARTMENT. Heck, wish I lived in an apartment. Then I wouldn't have to do the yard."
She's having problems with the computer. Can't find a the code she needs... makes a phone call:
"I'm at the Irvin' office.... NO, it ain't in that book... It's on the deal that's clamped to the wall..."
"Oh God... it's never my day."
While she's on the phone, the other line is ringing, she yells:
"People quit CALLIN' me!"
I'm just amazed at how VOCAL this woman is about not liking her job. She feels comfortable with me for some reason, like we're instant friends because we've talked on the phone, or we're alone in the building... I can't figure it out. But she's yelling these things so that I will hear her. I just know it. She's making eye contact with me with every compaint.
She gets the answer she wants on the line. She hangs up... the phone rings again. Someone looking for directions. She yells out the window at me:
"Was it Carpentertree?"
"No, it's Copper Tree," I say.
All of this amidst deep, raspy sighs and groans. She is not happy working at the lab today. So I wait. She says, "Come on back, let's get you started!"
Holy shit. This woman is also going to be taking my blood, sucking the life out of me. She asks me if I'm going to pass out. Well, not 20 minutes ago, but all signs are pointing to 'yes' now... I just sit and focus on the "urine door" on the wall opposite my room. You know, the little Alice in Wonderland door that is on the outside of the bathroom wall... if you're in the potty giving a urine sample, you just put it in the little door for someone to pick it up and analyze it. This simply amazes me. How clean could that little 6 in. by 6 in. box BE? People putting urine samples... man, probably STOOL samples in there?!?? We all know that the outside of that urine sample collection cup isn't completely dry. So this keeps me distracted until she starts talking about me running out of blood on her...
I left there feeling a little strange. But very happy. Could have been the blood loss. This woman made my day. I was grinning, ear to ear, thinking of her and her role at the Carpentertree.
posted at 6:29 PM
This week, try putting yourself into someone else's shoes, when necessary.
It's a good exercise. Especially if you need some perspective.
posted at 9:40 PM
This song is so perfect that I can't think of words descriptive or powerful enough to communicate why I wanted to post it. :)
Oh, look at how she listens.
She says nothing of what she thinks.
She just goes stumbling through her memories,
Staring out onto Grey Street.
But she thinks “Hey! How did I come to this?
I’ve dreamed myself a million times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place.”
Oh there’s a loneliness inside her,
And she’d do anything to fill it in,
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now,
It felt like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together to grey.
And it breaks her heart.
You know, she wishes it was different.
And she prays to God most every night,
And though she's quite sure he doesn’t listen,
There’s a tiny hope in her he might.
She says, “I pray you!”
Oh but my prayers, they fall on deaf ears.
“Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place?”
There’s an emptiness inside her,
And she’d do anything to fill it in,
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now,
It felt like cold blue ice in her heart.
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She would change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright,
But all the colors mix together to grey.
And it breaks her heart.
Oh it breaks her heart.
It breaks her heart.
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says, “Take what you can from your dreams.
Make them as real as anything.
Oh, it’d take the work out of the courage.”
But she says, “Please!
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door.
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the End of the World.”
- "Grey Street" Dave Matthews
posted at 2:48 PM