Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Rollercoaster.
Have I ever mentioned on this blog how much I hate client work?
Surely I have.
Because every morning I wake up, and the first thing I think of is inevitably one of three people, for some reason. Two of those people are my clients.
There is something really, really sick about that.
Tonight, one client is sending me home with a bleeding ulcer. The other client is making me wear uncomfortable clothes and shoes tomorrow.
posted at 6:29 PM
Monday, September 29, 2003
GolfGirl: Censored.
I keep sitting down to type today's entry. And my little pinky finger (which really isn't all that little, if you think about it, given my long fingers and man hands, but I digress...) that long pinky finger keeps stretching, reaching up to the [<-- Backspace] button. Erase, erase, erase... click, click, click.
- Can't write about this ONE thing because it would be too much disclosure for your virgin ears. Yep. I said VIRGIN. It's not a dirty word, you know.
- Can't write about this OTHER thing because I'm scratching his back the same way he scratches mine at times. Hell, he photoshops some backscratching for me. Plus, friends don't ask questions. They just do or don't do. And I did too early.
- Can't write about this OTHER thing because someone will read it the wrong way. Some things, when written, can't HELP but be misinterpretated. You can't blame them. They're just words. Defenseless.
- And finally... I can't write about my all-time favorite thing today. Because it's my little secret. And I love it. It breaks me into tiny little pieces and puts a big smile on my face.
So there you go.
"Come, stir, stir, stir! The second cock hath crow'd!"
-- Romeo and Juliet
posted at 5:32 PM
Sunday, September 28, 2003
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so..."
Well -- "Hamlet" was good. I'm just mesmerized by actors who can stand on a stage and recite Shakespeare as if they wrote it themselves... with ease and grace, not missing a beat. As if those are their words... very nice.
So, this morning, I'm recounting the evening, thinking of the actors and this "gift". A friend calls. He wants to meet me later. He asks about my evening. I take him through it, taking the usual time it takes me to tell a story or describe something... when I get to the part about the play, he cleverly says "To be or not to be... that is the question." "Very good," I tell him, "I'm impressed..." And I'll be damned if he doesn't start into a 15 minute recital of lines from the play -- verbatim -- different scenes from the play... not just the one-liners that everyone knows, like "To thine own self be true" or "Frailty, thy name is woman!", but full-on monologues from the play. How does one remember stuff like this? Or more importantly, why can't I? Jeez Louise. I must say, I was impressed.
Some people can shock the hell out of you, if you just give them a chance.
Anyway. The rest of the weekend was good. Mathew and I caught a matinee viewing of "Luther" yesterday afternoon -- it was good. Not something for everyone, but I liked it. And as always, some good, stimulating conversation...
I hope everyone had (and is still having at this hour) a good, relaxing weekend.
posted at 2:17 PM
Saturday, September 27, 2003
Excited!
So my brother is on his way to Dallas to hang out with me this weekend. I just purchased tickets to "Hamlet" at the Dallas Theater Center for this evening, then we'll head over to listen to some live music and God knows what else. We may try to work in a viewing of "Luther" sometime if we can. Should be fun.
Then work on Sunday. :(
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
Henry David Thoreau
posted at 10:13 AM
Friday, September 26, 2003
It's Friday... ain't got no job... ain't got shit to do!
Ha-ha.
Thanks to Will for introducing me to the organic banilla yogurt. I ate almost the whole big carton of it this morning. Yeah, I'm going to feel that later...
Yep, there's MORE lyrics posted below. Don't read them if you don't like them. It's like my "code"... I'm speaking to you, at one time or another, through these lyrics. Yeah, you heard me. Some have been posted for you before. You know when they're for you. Definitely.
We sit outside and argue all night long
About a God we've never seen but never fails to side with me
Sunday comes and all the papers say
Ma Teresa's joined the mob and happy with her full time job
Doot-doo-doo Doot-doo-doo doo
Doot-doo-doo Doot-doo-doo doo
Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans hear what prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?
Doot-doo-doo Doot-doo-doo doo
Doot-doo-doo Doot-doo-doo doo
A life is time, they teach you growing up
The seconds ticking killed us all
A million years before the fall
You ride the waves and don't ask where they go
You swim like lions through the crest
And bathe yourself in zebra flesh
posted at 9:45 AM
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Today is going to be a good day. I promise.
Where did this energy come from? It's just a crazy rollercoaster ride lately, I tell ya.
I can smell the rubber on my new Chuck Taylors, and to be quite honest, it's annoying. But they are damned nice shoes.
Ahhh, screw it.
Music makes my day.
Oh, when the world ends
We’ll be burning one
When the world ends
We’ll be sweet makin love
Oh, you know when the world ends
I’m going to take you aside and say
Let’s watch it fade away, fade away
And the world’s done
Ours just begun
It's done
Ours just begun
posted at 9:42 AM
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
From the new Dave Matthews album. It's my favorite song thus far. Love these lyrics... and the song, too.
Stay or Leave
Maybe different but remember
Winter's warm there you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes, the river
swims at midnight shiver cold
Touch the bottom you and I
With muddy toes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did
Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did
so what to do
with the rest of today's afternoon
hey
Isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I should?
That I coulda done
Remember we used to dance
When everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
besides the day you went
So what to do with the rest of the day's afternoon
hey
Isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I could?
Remember we used to dance
When everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
posted at 5:29 PM
Get this.
Just got it.
Listening to it.
Loving it.
Loving him.
Thanks, Mathew.
posted at 2:00 PM
So much more.
I have so many things on my mind and in my heart right now. The journal at home is filling up quickly... time to get a new one. I'm going to get a really good one this time; I know just what I want. I digress... It just doesn't feel right to post those things here. Everyone seems to have these questions about what exactly the blog should be used for, and I can tell you for certain that for me, it's not to make public things that are very, very personal.
But, I do know that people come here to see what's going on in my life... and every now and then, you can get a little taste of that. But for the most part, it's the people who actually ask who get the goods.
The point is -- there's so much more to my life than what you read in this damned blog. I'd hate for any readers to think that some lyrics and rants are the substance of my life. They're not. There's so much more than the 0.8% that you read here. For some reason, I wanted to say that.
I can tell you some things for certain...
I have some of the best friends on the planet.
I have a great family, who loves me, despite my many faults.
The seasons are changing, and I'm restless.
There's more to life than this job.
Sometimes, shit just happens.
Most things are out of my control.
Some things are in my control... but I lose it.
Dreams are just dreams.
posted at 9:33 AM
Monday, September 22, 2003
Tegan and Sara - "My Number"
Showers pounding out a new beat
I trade my old shoes for new feet
I grab a new seat
I don't like the one I got
The fabric's wearing through
And it's wearing me out
You're wearing me down
Watching old baseball games
And low budget telethons
Ain't like watching you yourself
When you yourself is on
Got time to wander to waste and to whine
But when it comes to you,
It seems like I just can't find the time
So watch your head and then watch the ground
It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown
It's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down
If I gave you my number
Would it still be the same
If I saved you from drowning?
Promise me you'll never go away
Promise me you'll always stay
Closed down the last local zoo
I'm gonna win the endless war
Over who kills the last koala bear
And who in death will love him more and I
He grabs me by the hand
Drags me to the shore and says
Maybe you don't love me
But you'll grow to love me even more
And I well I'm not surprised
If I gave you my number
Would it still be the same
If I saved you from drowning?
Promise me you'll never go away
Promise me you'll always stay
Showers pounding out a new beat
I trade my old shoes for new feet
I grab a new seat
I don't like the one I got
The fabric's wearing through
And it's wearing me out
You're wearing me down
So watch your head and then watch the ground
It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown
It's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down
If I gave you my number
Would it still be the same
If I saved you from drowning?
Promise me you'll never go away
Promise me you'll always stay
posted at 5:39 PM
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Ahhhh.... weekend.
After an awful week at work, I'm looking forward to a nice weekend. I will be working this weekend, but I'm trying to find some time for fun and relaxation. I spent last night with Aunt B, it was nice to see her, as I haven't been over there in a couple of weeks.
Today, I've got lunch with the Book Club girls at 11:30, then golf with Jonathan this afternoon. A date tonight. We'll see how that goes. Should be very interesting.
This weekend, my sister-in-law and niece will be moving to Florida. For me, this isn't as difficult as it is for the rest of my family -- I don't get to see them that often now, given that I live miles away already. It just may turn out that I get to see them just as often as before... maybe wishful thinking. Florida isn't a bad place to run away to for a long weekend. Sometimes I need excuses to do that type of thing... and what better excuse than a beautiful, extremely intelligent, perfect little three year-old named Emma?
Right now, I'm enjoying the music of Damien Rice. This stuff is good. Now I have a live album, "Live at The Union Chapel", which is even better than the other album I've got... can't quit listening to it. Thanks, Louie and Jonathan, for the suggestion.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. The weather alone is an excuse to get out and do something that makes you very happy.
posted at 8:44 AM
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Something's been bothering me...
When I visit different cities/towns, one of my favorite things to do is to look at the old, historic buildings. It's a little piece of history, right there, still standing. Churches, banks, post offices... I like looking at the architecture. I like imagining what the building looked or smelled like when it was first built. I like thinking about the people who walked in and out of those same doors 75 years ago or whatever.
Well this nostalgia is going to hell in a handbasket.
The more places I go, the more METAL BUILDINGS I see. Cheap stuff. You know, those pre-fabricated, metal structures that people are throwing up, cutting corners on costs, I guess... all over the place. I guess brick and stone are just too expensive these days. Just pisses me off. I've seen the following establishments built out of these metal building. No joking here.
- churches
- banks
- restaurants
- tanning salons (this one can't be safe)
- car dealerships (typical)
- barns (expected!)
There's more. I just can't think of them now. Point is... we will outlive these buildings. And they'll just put another one up. In a matter of DAYS, probably.
This is a perfect segue into my similar rant on tearing down old homes in historic neighborhoods to build brand new 9 million square foot homes and swimming pools... But I'll spare you that for today.
Hope you're having a good one.
I'm working from home today. Getting a lot done. Enjoying it. :)
posted at 3:17 PM
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Courtesy of my friend Todd. He said that some jackass sent this to him... and he shared it with me. It's interesting, to say the least.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
What oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in; the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
The frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total
Mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn
Mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
posted at 2:44 PM
Shame on me.
Have you ever fantasized about awful, awful things happening to you -- just so that you could get out of going to work for a little while? You know, like being kidnapped. Or some broken limbs. "I'm sorry your site didn't get launched, but I was kidnapped!" "I know you were expecting that timeline, that estimate, those reports, and that new creative last week... but I broke my right arm and left leg!"
What does it say about your job when you'd take something catastrophic over facing what's on your desk every morning?
Note to self: buy lottery tickets. A lot of them.
posted at 7:15 AM
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
The Quotable Justin.
L: "I really hate football."
J: "Yeah, me too. I feel the same way about football as I do about religion. It's not so much the SPORT I hate, it's the FANS..."
I worked until midnight last night. MIDNIGHT!
I need a new job. Again.
posted at 9:54 AM
Monday, September 15, 2003
Maverick: Yes, maam, the data on the MiG is inaccurate.
Charlie: How's that lieutenant?
Maverick: Well, I just happened to see a MiG-28 --
Goose: We!...We.
Maverick: Sorry, Goose. We happened to see a MiG-28 do a 4G negative dive.
Charlie: Where did you see this?
Maverick: That's classified.
Charlie: It's what?
Maverick: It's classified. I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you.
Charlie: Lieutenant, I have top secret clearance. The Pentagon sees to it that I know more than you.
Maverick: Well, maam, it doesn't seem so in this case now does it.
Charlie: So, Lieutenant, where exactly were you?
Maverick: Well, we --
Goose: Thank you.
Maverick: -- started up on a his six, when he pulled through the clouds, and then I moved in above him.
Charlie: Well, if you were directly above him, how could you see him?
Maverick: Because I was inverted.
Iceman: (cough) B------t.
Goose: No, he was, man. It was a really great move. He was inverted.
Charlie: You were in a 4G inverted dive with a MiG-28?
Maverick: Yes, maam.
Charlie: At what range?
Maverick: About two meters.
Goose: Well, it was actually about one and a half, I think. It was one and a half. I've got a great Polaroid of it, and he's right there. Must be one and a half.
Maverick: It was a nice picture....
Goose: Thanks....
Charlie: Uh, Lieutenant. What were you doing there?
Goose: Communicating.
Maverick: Communicating. Keeping up foreign relations. I was, uh, you know, giving him "the bird."
Goose: You know -- "the finger."
Charlie: Yes, I know the finger, Goose.
Goose: I'm, I'm sorry. I hate it when it does that. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Charlie: So you're the one.
Maverick: Yes, maam.
posted at 8:39 AM
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Why does a good time have to hurt so much?
It could have been the beers or the gin and tonics. It could have been the dancing. It could have been getting only a couple hours of sleep. It could be that I'm just too damned old to party like it's 1999. Whatever it was, I'm still hurting. But memories of a really good time make it all worth it. I love it when Louie lets his hair down. And his friends... just wonderful. I haven't laughed that much in a long time, it felt good.
But now, I'm tired.
Sweet dreams.
posted at 7:58 PM
Saturday, September 13, 2003
Beautiful Day...
I'm in Austin today. The weather couldn't be more perfect. Sitting inside now, but hoping to be outdoors soon. I actually had a great drive here yesterday, the rain quit after I finally got out of Dallas, and it was sunshine and perfect temps the rest of the way. A relaxing evening, a nice sleep, an early morning... we'll see what Saturday holds for this girl in a matter of minutes, I think.
I think that if you've got the time to sit down and watch a Saturday full of football, then you've got the time to do something that benefits society. In the least, you could be playing golf... in the perfect weather. :)
Have a great day, everyone!
posted at 11:15 AM
Friday, September 12, 2003
Rain, rain... go away... come again some other day.
posted at 9:26 AM
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Surprise!
In my life, it always seems that JUST when I think things couldn't get any stranger or more complicated... the wheels shoot right off the bus.
Be careful what you wish for.
posted at 9:43 PM
The Story of How Things Came to be This Way
When I was in junior high, my friend’s older sister was dating a guy who went to a different school than we did. This guy had a younger brother who she thought would be perfect for me. She showed me his picture, and immediately I said no. I mean, he wore these glasses… and he was a year younger than me. I mean, I had just gotten contacts… and I was a seventh grader. I couldn’t take two steps back like that… Social suicide. Definitely no.
Later, in high school, these two brothers started attending our school. It was a small school, you knew everyone. They immediately matriculated. Then I started dating the older one. I have no idea how this came about, my memory just escapes me. I think it lasted three months.
Then later, this younger brother was dating my best friend. I got to know him a little better…actually, we became friends. I enjoyed spending time with my friend and her boyfriend, he was a great guy. My friend – very non-committal, even for our age. They were on again, off again. But Louie and I were always friends, reagardless.
One year for spring break, my friend and her family went skiing. But before she left, she decided she needed a break from Louie. He and I spent the week together – a lot of time on the golf course, actually. We played golf, talked, just spent time together, talked on the phone. On the last day of spring break, with an exchange of a look and a few words, we knew what had happened. We definitely liked each other. What were we supposed to do? My friend would be home in a day… what would I tell her? (Oh, the joys of traumatic adolescent dilemmas.)
So she gets home. She calls. I call him. I tell him that I’m going over to tell her what happened. I called her back. I was on my way over. I will never forget this as long as I live. I figured out some things about my person, who I am, the respect that I owed people in my life, and the fact that I recognized that. Again, very simple circumstances, but telling in their own right. So I told her. She was hurt. But she looked at me and said, “What else can I do but support you? You never know, you guys might end up dating for a year or so…”
About three years later, we were still together. We broke up once. Got back together. Then it was time for me to go to college. Being there, and away from him, was more difficult than I thought it would be. Guilt. That’s what I felt. I was having all kinds of fun and experiencing a freedom I’d never felt before. I guess this is when we officially uncoupled.
There are tons of mistakes and sad stories, good stories, bad stories. Things I’d do differently, things I’d do exactly the same. Those stories could make up a long novel or TV mini-series. The point is, no matter what, we remained friends. Before e-mail, we wrote letters, REAL handwritten letters, we sent cards. I’ve got every one of them. I go back and read them now and I laugh, some things seem like they happened just yesterday. They make me smile. They make me cry. I can read about times when he was hurting, times I was hurting, times we were hurting each other. Still – always remained friends.
Over the years, we’ve tried. Timing hasn’t exactly been on our side. Neither has geography. Change hasn’t been kind to the “us” that I held onto for so long. Both of us going such different directions, always looking for ourselves, testing the waters in different seas. Always friends, though. Always.
Louie has been my constant, through all my life experiences. He’s been there. He’s known which boyfriends were right for me and which ones were wrong, before I knew it. When I forgot who I was, he reminded me. When my eyes were closed, he opened them. Never at a loss for words, but not always using them. Always knowing the right time to do so.
He’s loyal. He knows what he wants, damn it. He knows the difference between a deck and a porch, even if he doesn’t pronounce it correctly. I always seem to be learning something from him, and he rarely has any idea that he’s teaching me. We can still exchange a glance and read each other’s mind: It’s time to leave… I’m ready to go… Is this person serious?… We need to discuss what’s really going on here later when we’re away from these crazy people… all of this we can communicate almost telepathically, given that we are wearing our corrective lenses and make eye contact. Like me, he’s half realist/half idealist. I have a sneaky feeling that when we’re 80, he’ll still throw his arm on me, expecting a scratch. And I’ll do it. He’s my measure, and I am his. He knows the power of three words: just come over.
Why am I talking about this now? What does all of this mean?
I’m talking about it now because the time is right. Things happen in your life that make you really aware of and thankful for these people in your life – the people in your life who mean so much to you, the ones who love you despite your faults. What does it all mean? It means that I hope you’ve got a Louie. It means nothing more and nothing less.
posted at 11:10 AM
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Today, I spilled some of my lunch onto the front of my shirt. Right in the breast region.
Since then, everyone's been looking at my boobs.
Note to self: spill breakfast onto shirt tomorrow.
posted at 4:15 PM
What the hell is in it for ME?
posted at 9:32 AM
Monday, September 08, 2003
This post is for Louie. Without him, I would know nothing about music. Or really... I'd know nothing about the whole WORLD in general. I mean, it's just not POSSIBLE for 5 people to die on one organized hike on a mountain. Also, you must be CRAZY to think that pointed toe shoes don't say EVERYTHING about someone. Wear those shoes, and you've just defined yourself, you've picked up a label! Bangs are definitely evil.
All he taught me was everything.
(Thankfully, he knows my sarcasm better than anyone.)
IRREGARDLESS, he introduced me to the lyrics below. They're great. Damien Rice, "Volcano".
don't hold yourself like that
you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth and back
but that's all i need
don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea
don't throw yourself like that
in front of me
i kissed your mouth your back
is that all you need?
don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for what i give to you
is just what i'm going through
this is nothing new
no no just another phase of finding what i really need
is what makes me bleed
and like a new disease she's still too young to treat
volcanoes melt me down
she's still too young
i kissed your mouth
you do not need me
posted at 1:39 PM
Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!
It should be a felony to work indoors on days like this.
I think I will reschedule all of my meeting locations to "outside" for today.
Yes, yes... I will do that.
posted at 11:46 AM
Sunday, September 07, 2003
Money.
I spent a lot of it yesterday. Got a massage, did some shopping. I don't really SAVE any money. But I have a good defense for this at the moment. I don't really have anything in particular right now that I need to put money away for... I can think of only one thing -- moving. Away. Far away. But not just yet. People are always saving money, not doing things because they need to save money, denying themselves of things -- big things or really small things, for the sake of "saving money". It actually makes me a little crazy. Live! Enjoy! I could die tomorrow. At least I was getting a massage and not checking on my savings account balance the day before. :)
I'm just in a different place than a lot of people. And I acknowledge that. I have no children, no mortgage, none of that real life stuff. This is where I am. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to spend I go.
posted at 9:03 AM
Thursday, September 04, 2003
What if we all lived our lives as if today was our last?
If you had a month, how would you spend it?
Have you ever experienced a true, life-changing event? Something that shook your world, and you've not been the same since?
If you had only a few hours to spend with someone you love, before they're gone forever, what would you tell them? What would you ask them?
How can four years seem like an eternity and a blink of an eye at the same time?
I tell you what... losing a parent is very difficult. In the beginning, you think, "Will there ever be a day, or an hour, or a minute when I don't think about this...?" And then as time passes, it doesn't consume you as much. And then you forget some things. It drives you crazy. Then you remember tiny details. Smells. Sounds. Looks. That's the good stuff. Then you vow to always appreciate the small things and to take advantage of every minute you have. Then you don't. The only thing that makes it all tolerable is having no regrets -- saying everything you wanted to say, asking everything you wanted to ask. Being so fortunate to have a few hours to do so.
Perspective. It's hard to come by...
posted at 11:45 PM
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Ahhh... screw it.
Back to "it" from the previous post...
You've got no control over it.
Fate. That's the answer.
Quit looking for it.
It's right there.
But it doesn't matter.
It is what it is.
Let it go.
It's sad. It really is.
Shoulda coulda woulda...
It doesn't matter.
It's out of my hands... always has been.
Quit trying to control it.
Set it free.
See if it comes back.
It wants to.
posted at 9:25 PM
Monday, September 01, 2003
Long Weekend is Coming to an End...
I'm ready to start the week. I'm not sure what normal is anymore, but I'm ready to get back to it, or find what was missing, find what it is that I need. I'm looking for it. Whatever it is. Something's missing. I want it back. I'll be able to put my finger on it, when I see it. "THIS is it! THIS is what was missing! THIS is what I'm looking for!" I have no idea what it is that I'm talking about, and that's a little strange. But everything has a label, and "it" is the only label I can find right now. I'm antsy. On the edge of my seat.
I hope you've got it.
posted at 6:55 PM
